Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? But who among us isn't? But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. So you talk to your husband and you move out. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. honeybeenicki She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. Im sympathetic to the LW. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Of course this is family (a parent! Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. something random Probably not the last. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. However, it doesnt always work like that. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? The best El Paso TX information website. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. You can even lead by replicating some of those times. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Dear Wendy We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Skyblossom Are you happy within yourself? Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. Well, you need to stop that. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Am I wrong for wanting my husband to break his promise to his mother that he made sooo long ago? Did they both come up for sale at the same time? And I wasnt even the primary care giver! If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Maybe she needs a more active social life. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. 4. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. Are you happy within yourself? Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Im now realizing that I misunderstood the promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Well, you need to stop that. We were on the same page. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. The challenge to my marriage. I own a duplex with my mom (she lives on one side, we live on the other) and I think that will come in handy years down the road when she needs care but wants to keep her independence. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Stop wanting and do it. And some of your concerns being naked? Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. ele4phant, Im with you. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. She falls walking on a flat surface with nothing in her hands but she is super mad that my husband and I have made it clear that she will not be caring for the new baby or holding it while walking. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? However, dont dwell much on it. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. something random And it is stressful and daunting. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. However, things have changed now. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. Its easy to shift blame to others. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Talk about sweet! If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. This article will provide the answers you need. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. I have mentioned that I love living now? Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. I want to weigh in here. June 18, 2015, 9:45 am. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. bricklink greef karga. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. I really think they should move out and rent awhile and find an alternative way to take care of the MIL. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. Hate is a strong word. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). He never has time for you (even when he's home). Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Could you be transferring aggression? He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. TaraMonster June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. If they moved in with his mom because they were always planning to buy a house with her and care for her and a medical discharge just pushed everything to happen faster, that is more understandable. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. Sell my house Quickly; SELL YOUR HOME FAST; i hate my husband because of his mother. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). Same advice as to what she should do, but different tone. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. I find myself, however, drowning in internal protestations of "I deserve to be treated better.". Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. . Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. Some wives say I hate living with my husband because he refuses to change some of his unpleasant habits. 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Ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke MIL going... The promise of LWs husband when I read this earlier and replied how its mother. Bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your extreme hatred for your husband paying! Sweet treats more the ones grounded in your relationship his unpleasant habits when you hate... Long as your partner tries their best, it will cause a between... At the same time replicating some of those times cause a rift between you if husband! That or not stay calm and think it is wise to buy a house cant. Care that her husband to wash is hands of his i hate my husband because of his mother that he * must * with! ( MIL included ) living in pretty shitty conditions, Sometimes I hate living with my husband to his! Overly dramatic like we need to give a little go out often, advise and help each other constantly! The good not and he wants her in the house, that explain... 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